My ex won’t discuss our kids – What now?

When a relationship between adults breaks down, it can be tricky enough, but when you remain bound to someone because you are parents, it can feel almost impossible to navigate the adjustments you need to make so that you can have an ongoing positive relationship for the benefit of your children. 

Especially in the immediate aftermath of separation, emotion can run high while the grieving process that follows the end of a relationship takes place. However, there comes a time when you need to knuckle down and sort out how you are going to talk about, and make decisions about, your children in the future. 

Here’s some tips on what you might try to improve communication. 

Counselling

Counselling isn’t just for couples looking to save a relationship. In fact it can be even more important for giving you new skills to develop a new kind of relationship – one of co-parents. 

Even if your ex is not interested, solo counselling can still benefit you as you learn your new role in the family. 

Family Dispute Resolution

This is a service that is available to help parents work through specific disputes, with help from a trained Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner. This is better suited to working on the specifics of the care arrangements for your kids, rather than improving parenting communication overall. 

Tools

Sometimes changing the method of communication can be enough to deal with difficult communication. If things get heated when you try to bring things up at handover, try setting aside a kid-free time to discuss. Or if face-to-face communication is difficult, try sending an email (after proof reading it first!), using a communication book, or an app like Our Family Wizard.  This can take the sting and heat out of communication and keep it focussed on the issue at hand.

Self-reflection

A final note to keep in mind, is to reflect on your part in the communication. For example, are you asking for more information than is really necessary? I’ve worked with clients who expected a report from the other parent of every activity the child took, every thing the child ate, every bowel movement the child had, and were disappointed when the other parent took offence at being asked for this level of information. Communication does work both ways, and there may be some things about the way you communicate that you can also improve on. 

Court

My final note is about the Family Court. I can’t be clear enough that the Court cannot make your ex into a better communicator. It cannot change them from a reluctant co-parent to a helpful one. Court doesn’t change people. 

If you have issues with communication, going to Court will not solve them. All a Court can do is make Orders, which require people to do specific things at specific times, so that a person can be punished if they fail to do that. Common communication-related orders are: 

1. that parents communicate only by text/email;
2. that one parent ensure the other parent receives all school notices etc;
3. that a parent provide a certain amount of notice of their intention to take a trip/enrol a child in an activity/ take a child to a doctor etc. 

These sorts of orders may solve a specific problem, but they usually mark the beginning of a lifetime of difficult communication, rather than a solution to it. 

If you really can’t get them to communicate…

Sometimes, you will be dealing with someone who simply doesn’t want to have any kind of communication or doesn’t want to resolve or discuss anything. 

At that point, there are not many options. Communication is unlikely to ever improve. At that stage, you need clear, strong, comprehensive orders, to ensure that you can manage arrangements for your children with a minimum of communication.